Some time ago, an acquaintance of mine told me she had ended a friendship that had turned toxic. The grief of the loss was significant – but at the same time, it brought a sense of relief.
At its best, friendship is empowering and energizing. Friends may have been part of one’s life for a long time and have served as an important mirror through which we reflect ourselves and our lives. For some, friends are even more important pillars of support than family.
However, not all relationships are balanced or fulfilling. Some connections take more than they give. So why do people stay in such relationships?
Sometimes, a relationship that started off well changes gradually, making it hard to notice the shift. Other times, a friendship feels so integral to life that one hasn’t paused to evaluate its meaning or quality. But when taking the time to reflect, one might realize they often feel irritated, exhausted, or emotionally drained after seeing that friend.
Some people hold on to long-term relationships, even when they’re burdensome, because the thought of letting go feels even more painful. The idea of loss and saying goodbye to something familiar can feel too frightening, and people may cling to what’s known – even if it’s unhealthy. This can stem from earlier experiences of loss or times when one felt alone during crucial life moments.
Our past relationships – and how we’ve been treated – also influence our current friendships. We may unknowingly gravitate toward people who treat us in ways similar to those who once caused us pain. Familiarity draws us in, even if it carries harmful undertones.
I asked my friend what made her decide to end the friendship. She explained that the relationship had felt heavy for a long time, and after spending time together, she often felt more drained and frustrated than before. The final eye-opener was returning from a long holiday and realizing that the biggest source of stress was having to reconnect with her friend after a long break. That moment made her truly question the quality and value of the friendship.
How to Improve a Friendship – and When to Let Go
If you’re wondering whether a friendship is mutual and equally beneficial, ask yourself:
- How do I feel after our conversations or time together? Do I generally feel uplifted and in a good mood?
- Is the relationship balanced and fair? Do we both share and listen equally? Of course, life brings situations where one needs more support. But if you’re always the one offering comfort, cheering the other up, or absorbing their negativity, it’s worth taking a closer look.
- Are there recurring issues that bother me in the relationship?
If these questions are hard to answer, it may be time to bring them up with your friend. You can plan out what you want to say ahead of time to express yourself clearly.
If talking face-to-face feels difficult, you can write them a message instead.
TIP: Use I-statements and focus on how you feel, avoiding blame. This makes it easier for the other person to receive your message.
For example:
- “I’ve felt like the things I share or care about don’t seem to interest you.”
- “I felt hurt when you made a dismissive comment about something important to me.”
- “I feel sad and frustrated when you cancel our plans at the last minute.”
Show that you’re open and willing (if you are) to continue the friendship, but that you need change around the things that are wearing you down. Ask what you could do to help improve the relationship, too.
Sometimes, taking a short break or creating some space in the friendship can be helpful. A break can offer perspective and help you view the relationship more clearly.
Friendship losses – whether we choose them or not – are rarely talked about, even though they can be deeply painful. The end of a friendship is often a significant loss that takes time to process. If a friendship ends, give yourself the time and space to grieve. The end of a long-term relationship is a real sorrow, and it deserves to be mourned with care.
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