In Finnish, there’s a word called “renttu”, which refers to a person who behaves irresponsibly and carelessly, yet somehow still evokes feelings of affection and a desire to care for them. Some people find themselves drawn to this type of person and may describe themselves as “renttu magnets”—people who continually attract partners who act irresponsibly and treat them poorly. For others, this type of person is an immediate red flag—they wouldn’t dream of spending time with someone who doesn’t treat them with respect.
So why do some people repeatedly end up in relationships where they are not treated well? Why do some seem irresistibly drawn to relationships that, from the outside, are difficult to understand—and even clearly harmful?
Sometimes, it may be because there’s something in the other person that inexplicably reminds us of a strong emotional experience. It’s important to note that this doesn’t always mean a positive experience. The sense of attraction or familiarity can arise even if the original experience was painful or harmful. For instance, someone who experienced unsafe or unstable environments in childhood may have also felt powerful relief after moments of tension. Later in life, meeting someone who unconsciously triggers that same emotional landscape can bring about a familiar and strangely comforting feeling—like “we belong together.”
Others may have grown up feeling invisible or invalidated and have never learned to expect or demand to be treated well. If you’ve never experienced respectful and caring behavior as the norm, it can be difficult to even recognize or ask for it. Paradoxically, mistreatment can feel familiar—and falsely safe.
Some people, especially those who were expected to take on too much responsibility as children, might see glimpses of goodness beneath another’s harmful behavior and believe they can “fix” the person with their care and compassion. They may think, “If I’m good enough, they’ll become good too—permanently.” Sadly, this often comes at the cost of their own well-being.
All of this usually happens unconsciously.
How Can You Break This Harmful Relationship Pattern?
If you notice a recurring theme in your relationships—where you end up in the role of caretaker or are repeatedly not treated well—it’s important to pause and reflect on what might be driving these dynamics, and how to stop the cycle.
You might ask yourself:
- What kind of people do I feel magnetically drawn to? Why?
- What am I truly looking for in a relationship? What matters most to me?
- Which of those things are present in my current relationship—and what’s missing?
- What kind of person would support the healthiest version of a relationship for me? What would that require from me?
- How do I believe I should be treated in a relationship?
- Where might I meet people who are capable of offering a safe, respectful, and mutual connection?
Note: If these reflections stir up feelings of anxiety or distress, it’s important to talk to someone about them—whether it’s a trusted friend or a mental health professional.
Changing patterns in relationships often requires conscious effort and inner work—challenging long-held thought patterns and giving yourself the space and support to shift what feels familiar. Trusted friends or professional support can be extremely helpful in creating new, healthier relational habits and allowing old attractions to people who mistreat you to gradually fade.
Leave a Reply